Assume the Opposite!
Comic Relief
For 25 years, I exercised futility by following the Texas Rangers.  At middle age, I now know that pro sports are bought and sold by advertisers wanting to be associated with a winning team, but when I was younger, I was more naive.  The following is the funny story of being a Rangers fan.
I'll never forget seeing some sportswriter saying that the '73 Rangers were the worst team of all time.  They couldn't pitch, they couldn't bat, and they couldn't field.  Yeah, I followed the '73 Rangers.  When we were in elementary school, we joked that the Rangers used Hot Wheels tracks as bats.  When we were in junior high, the joke became a little more sophisticated.  My father used to spray Chlordane in the garage to kill termites (gasp!).  I'll never forget the smell of it.  We then joked that the Rangers had termites in the bat rack.  Then, in 1980, The Empire Strikes Back came out.  At that time, we joked that the whole cotton-pickin' lineup had been put into carbon-freeze.  Unless the opposing pitcher was wild, it was a guaranteed hat trick.  Finally, in the '90s, I heard the following joke:
A Texan died and went to Hell.  The Devil came up to him and asked, "How do you like it?"  The Texan replied, "It's just like June in Texas."  So the Devil turned up the heat.  Then he asked, "How do you like it now?"  The Texan had unbuttoned 2 buttons on his shirt, and replied, "It's just like July in Texas."  So the Devil turned up the heat again.  Then he asked, "How do you like it now?"  The Texan had taken off his shirt, and said, "It's just like August in Texas."  The Devil was infuriated, and turned on the freezer.  The Texan then jumped for joy and shouted, "Yea!!!  The Rangers just won the World Series!!!"
A TAKEOFF ON "BLUE SUEDE SHOES"
One for the money,
Two for the show,
Three to get ready and go, cat, go
But don't you turn off my A.C.
Do anything to me but don't you turn off my A.C.

Knock me down,
Step on my face,
Slander my name all over the place,
Do anything that you want to me,
but nuh-uh, buddy, lay off the A.C.
And don't you turn off my A.C.
Do anything to me but don't you turn off my A.C.

Burn my house,
Steal my car,
Drink my vodka from an old fruit jar,
Do anything that you want to me,
but nuh-uh, buddy, lay off the A.C.
Now don't you turn off my A.C.
Do anything to me but don't you turn off my A.C.

One for the money,
Two for the show,
Three to get ready, and go, go, go!
But don't you turn off my A.C.
Do anything to me but don't you turn off my A.C.
A.C., cool A.C.
A.C., cool A.C.
A.C., cool A.C.
A.C., cool A.C
Do anything to me but don't you turn off my A.C.
[Electric guitar]
RELOCATED FROM THE ARTICLES PAGE:  WHERE IS THE CHANGE AND THE HOPE?  The regime change promised by Obama never came because he is too conservative.  Here's how to know when there's been real regime change in Memphis.  Click here to read [Word 97-2003].
RELOCATED FROM THE ARTICLES PAGE:  OH NO!  NOT ANOTHER FILL-IN-THE-BUBBLE MULTIPLE CHOICE TEST:  When spring break is over, students are tortured with infernal fill-in-the-bubble high-stakes tests that can keep them from graduating or reaching the next grade.  Fighting fire with fire, I present a multiple choice test that exposes the truth about such tests, among many other inconvenient truths.  Click here to read [Word 97-2003].
CROSS-LISTED FROM THE ARTICLES PAGE:  WORD WALL:  Every classroom in Memphis City Schools is required to have a "word wall" of vocabulary posted either on a wall or a bulletin board.  In that spirit, I present the Assume the Opposite Glossary, deciphering all the coded language that saturates what passes for media and public discourse in this increasingly dystopian catastrophe.  Warning:  I take no prisoners.  Click here to read [Word 97-2003].
From my father:  Do you know how hot and dry it is in West Texas?  It is so hot and dry, the Baptists are sprinkling, and the Methodists are just using a damp cloth.
A Texan was once asked where Jesus was born.  He answered, "Lufkin."  The questioner replied, "No, that's not it."  The Texan tried again, "Longview."  The questioner said, "No that's not right, either."  The Texan tried yet again, "Tyler."  The questioner finally answered, "No, he was born in Palestine."  The Texan interjected, "Dang it!  I knew it was somewhere in East Texas!"
From an Aggie:  Do you know what they do to Aggies who are caught masturbating?  They make them stand up at football games.
From my father:  Herbie was the oldest student at A&M.  People kept asking him, "When are you going to graduate?"  So he approached the dean and asked him what to do.  The dean replied, "I'll tell you what:  I'm going to give you a final exam that if you pass, you can graduate.  There'll be just 1 question on the exam, but you'll have to answer it correctly on the first try.  We'll schedule it for Friday in the conference room."  The news circulated across the campus, and when Friday rolled around, the conference room was full to overflowing.  So they moved it to a classroom.  Quickly, it, too, was full to overflowing, so they moved it to a lecture hall.  Then that filled to overflowing, so it was moved to an auditorium.  Then that was standing room only, so they moved it to Kyle Field.  Before a packed crowd, the dean asked Herbie the question:  "What is 4 + 3?"  Silence fell across the crowd, and Herbie sighed, scratched his head, and scanned the yard lines as though the answer might be found there.  Finally, he answered, "7!"  The crowd moaned and started shouting, "Give him another chance!"
Q:  What is the difference between a Michigander and a Memphian?
A.  One makes cars and the other one steals them.
Q:  What is the difference between Wisconsin and a Mississippian?
A.  One has Green Bay and the other one has green teeth.
When you're in a motel room in Mississippi, and you call up the front desk and say you've got a leak in the sink, they tell you, "Go right on ahead."
In Mississippi, they think that the new $5, $10, and $20 dollar bills are counterfeit.
From my brother:  2 Aggies were trying to land a plane, but they kept complaining that the runway was too short.  The air traffic controller assured them that it was the longest runway they had, but the Aggies kept having to abort the landing.  Finally they managed to get the plane down.  They got out of the cockpit, looked around, and said, "This runway is sure short, but it's MIGHTY wide!"
NEW:  from my father:  When Reagan was first elected President, there was a controversy as to how to correctly pronounce his name, so they hired an expert to resolve the issue.  The man came, and they asked him whether it is "Ray-gun" or "Ree-gun."  He replied that it is "Ray-gun."  One person asked out of curiousity, "Do you do this full time?"  The expert replied, "No, my other job is breeding dogs."  "What kind of dogs do you breed?" was the next question.  The expert replied, "Bagels."
NEW:  From the internet:  George W. Bush should look out the window of his Crawford home early one morning when there's not a cloud in the sky.  He should say, "It's a new day."  Then, he should say, "It's a clear day."  Next, he should say, "It's a new, clear day."  Finally, he will be able to say "nuclear"!
NEW:  FROM DAN BENNETT:
Q:  What is the longest distance between two points?
A:  An argument.
GALLOWS HUMOR from an anesthetized patient who now wants reparations.  He once used the pickup line, "Have you ever been anesthetized?"  The response was, "I can't remember."
VICIOUS ANESTHETIC HUMOR online that would've convinced Michael Jackson to get a nerve block and might supplant Aggie jokes with dentist jokes.  Except it isn't too funny if you're the anesthetized patient.  Click here to read
A TAKEOFF ON "HEY JOE" that's actually woman-friendly!

[Electric guitar]
Hey Joanne, where you going with that gun tonight?
Hey Jo, where you headed with that gun tonight?
I'm going down to shoot my old doctor
You know I caught him tryin' to put out my lights.
I'm going down to shoot that mean doctor
You know I caught him tryin' to put out my lights.
And that ain't too cool!

Hey Jo, I heard you shot that surgeon down, you shot him down to the ground.
Hey Jo, You shot the anesthesiologist too, you shot him down, you put him 6 feet in the ground.
Yes I did, I shot 'em, you know they tried to put me out, and screw me all around.
Yes I did, I shot 'em, you know they tried to put me down,
So I gave 'em the gun!  I shot 'em!

[Electric guitar]

Hey Jo, where you gonna run to now?  Where you gonna run, where you gonna go?
Hey Jo, where you gonna head to now?   Where you gonna go, with whom you're gonna stay?
Margie, I'm going way down south, down I-35, down Mexico way.
I'm going way down south, WAY DOWN where I can breathe free, where no man can intubate me!
Ain't no white man, he ain't gonna anay-esthetahze me!  I'm gonna breathe free!
Ya better run, Jo!
Gotta go now!  Goodbye, y'all!
[Electric guitar]
SETTING PRIORITES STRAIGHT:  a cartoon I drew during Mardi Gras of '09 which reveals what is to be most feared.  Don't talk to me about childish fears like insects, snakes, and spiders.  Regarding financial trouble, that has been perennial since 1970 and is old hat.  Click here to view. (JPEG)
HAPPY 4TH OF JULY?  A spoof on "America the Beautiful" from Thanksgiving of '08.  Click here to read (Word 97-2003)
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